It is true that writers write, but it is not always true that bloggers blog. A blog is a personal space, a place for thinking out loud, sharing thoughts and insights, not a proposition for making money, at least it is not for me. Making entries solely to make an entry is an absurdity, if you have nothing to say then why make an entry that broadcasts you bankruptcy.
During the years in hermitage it has been a delight to reap the many spiritual rewards of the life of solitude. Yes, there are difficult times. All pursuits worth following have difficult times. When following a vocation from God then the cost should not even be considered. My work is interior soul work, and my ministry is intercession with prayer for the suffering. Over the years of practicing this one thing has become clear, much to my distress: sometimes a call is not forever.
The fruits of hermitage must be shared. I not believe this without reservation. You have two choices as a hermit: work to live, or be an independently wealthy person who can retire to solitude without worry for money. That is not my luxury. The money that comes from disability is what most people use for a car payment. That is not enough to live on, much less pay for electricity. So, the issues raised is how does a hermit make ends meet?
For me this is distressing for personally I love hermitage. It is the antithesis of all my past life, and it is the only happiness that I’ve had in life. Yet, God is making something very clear to me, that I must not cling to hermitage, that it might be God wants me to be more active as a chaplain to the dying, those who suffer continually without death, and their families. The nature of that work requires not being in hermitage. Part of me rebels at the very thought of making my day more inclusive of exterior things, but what can I do when God persistently makes God’s will known? Nothing. Of course, I can cling to this way of life and say no to God, but what would that accomplish? Misery.
There is time for discernment, and education still to do, so it is not a decide today issue, still, it is on my mind and in my heart. Hermitage equips one with skill sets never expected. Hermitage strips away false self and false attitudes, leaving you with self-truth. All the painful process of that is done to be a better servant of God. I believe, that for a time, it was absolutely correct that I should be an around the clock hermit. Now? I wonder. It is said that not all charisms are forever, that they run their course and die away. Is that what is happening?
Unable to carry out a job in the regular world I must seek work in a specialized world, that of the chaplain. Yes, there is walking, standing and sitting, none of which are easy, but you move around enough to not suffer so much pain that you are immobilized. Another part of this is that I will never again do any work that is not building up the kingdom of God. No more working just for money, if I work outside of disability, and it will be hard to do physically, then it must be in ministry.
So that is where I am now, at the crossroad of discernment. An uncomfortable place, but one I’ve been at before, at least I know what to expect. Wait. Wait for God to show the way. Do not put my hand out until I am shown what direction to go. The wait is hard because no one wants to wait for anything, me least of all. Pray for me.